Monday, November 28, 2005

Barf-Fest 2005

Dear van,

I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. When Ethan was complaining of being car sick around about Cincinnati, I didn't really believe him. I admit it. It's all my fault. But, to be fair, I did move him to the front seat to try to alleviate his queasiness. How could I know he would let fly all over the co-pilot's area? How could I know he would manage to blow chunks not only all over himself, the floor and the seat, but up into the dashboard vents as well? Why would anyone ever imagine that?

And please, I ask you, why would I ever, in my worst nightmares, believe he would spew FIVE MORE TIMES between Cincy and Knoxville? Surely you see my point. That would be preposterous.

Didn't I do my best, at 1 am, and 2 am, and 3 am, to mop up the damage? Didn't I hand him those extra-large gas station big gulp cups to prevent any further soilage? How could I know he would use them all up?

And really, wasn't I preoccupied not only with keeping Ethan from losing his marbles, but also with Charlotte, who woke up every single time we had to pull over to the side of the road to dump Vomit Big Gulps, or to let Ethan ralf into a ditch, and every single time we pulled into a gas station for more paper towels, dramamine, and air freshener?

And wasn't I starting to feel just a leeeetle bit sick myself? And wasn't Andy? And, you know, the aggressive vanilla paper tree hanging from the rearview mirror wasn't doing anything but adding to the Cheddar-Cheese-Pretzel Combo/Capri Sun/French Fry stench so it wasn't really enjoyable for anyone, now, was it?

And, let's be honest, in Spartanburg at 5 am when Simon tossed his very own cookies for the first of SEVEN TIMES, if I could've just abandoned the whole family at a rest stop and run away with you into the night, you know I would have. Just between us, van, I would have.

So, I'm very very sorry I haven't taken you in yet for a complete upholstery renovation. We only just arrived home at 2 am last night! Be reasonable. We're all still recovering from the sleep deprivation, and the dehydration, and the lack of nourishment. Simon's pants don't even fit anymore! Think of the children!

I have to prioritize, van. Human beings first, much-beloved-but-ultimately-made-of-metal vehicles second. It's not like even the Sparkle Clean people can do anything about the bleaching effects of stomach acid anyway.

Soon I'll treat you to a nice carpet shampoo and de-stinkification. Soon. But first, I have to do laundry.

Your devoted friend,
Hurl Girl


Anonymous Ozma said...

My car smells like barf...permanently. I think it is a side effect of having children but it's a lot better in the winter, I must say.

Honestly though, Cincinnati always made me want to barf.

Sorry! Sounds like a harrowing trip...Wish I could help you clean out the car. Someone told me vinegar is the secret but is vinegar a better smell? Marginally.

9:31 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Aw, if I had known, you could have stopped here (Cincinnati) for some rest and laundry facilities.

And we were in Knoxville for Thanksgiving!

6:12 AM  
Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

Man, I'm so sorry for the trauma you and your family had to endure, not to mention your poor van.
Unfortunately, I have no idea how to get the smell out. Wish I could be more helpful....

6:18 AM  
Blogger grudge girl said...

Dang! Y'all are so serious up in here. (See how I've taken on the colloquial inflections of our neighbors to the South?) It's okay to laugh. What else can one do? In retrospect, anyway.

Misfit - We totally waved at you when we passed through.

9:16 AM  
Anonymous Erica said...

Holy crap, that's a wretched car ride. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, than you are certainly ready for some sort of frighteningly steroid-enhanced weightlifting competition -- even Charlotte!

9:21 AM  
Blogger yucaree said...

welcome back grudge girl! you must feel great now that you're not in a vomit-smelling van for 12 hours! although i do feel for the van ... and the boys. poor ethan, he must've felt horrible. but i hope that didn't spoil the entire thanksgiving weekend for him (or you).

2:17 PM  
Blogger I Wish I Could Be a Princess said...

wow. thats a lot of barrfing for one car trip!try bakingsoda and scrub the upholstery with a mixture of baking soda and water! it just might do the trick!

5:20 PM  

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