Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Just Shoot Me If...

I ever rush right out to see "Menopause, the Musical!"

I ever seriously don a "
Meowy Christmas" Kliban cat t-shirt .(or any item of kitty apparel, for that matter)

I start going on and on about the revolutionary and captivating and heretofore unsuspected truths in
The DaVinci Code! (Seriously, I was SO disappointed by this book. I guessed EVERY thing that was supposed to be a mystery. Easily. And I'm just a regular old English major. I knew about Sophie the first time I saw her last name, thanks to the most rudimentary grasp of French. And what the hell, Sophie, is such a big deal about your grandpa having sex? Woo woo. Quelle insufferable prude! And now that I mention it, what is so all-fired revolutionary about sacred sex in general?! Geez! But the worst, the absolute WORST thing about this execrable and poorly-written book is that the whole concept of the "secret" of the sacred feminine, and its need to be protected, is just so LAME! Because how is it liberating at ALL for a woman to be considered a MAN'S path to the divine? And that if he has sex with her, he's connecting with holiness? How is THAT a dangerously empowering step outside the patriarchy, exactly? To be a vessel?! Is that what subversively liberating destiny for women these secret-society dudes are protecting? Because thank you, but no. If I were a religious person I'd be asking just exactly how *I* am supposed to get in contact with the divine. But as a heathen unbeliever, I can only scoff at the idiocy.)

Oh dear, I've gone on, haven't I? Ahem. Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Just shoot me if...


I ever willingly attend a Nascar event.

I ever dress my family in
matching outfits.

I ever spend my time with my girlfriends discussing my new, retardedly named osteoporosis medication.

I ever give up on coffee because of the heartburn.

or

if I ever take my online friends for granted. Thank you all so much for your caring and careful words, your support, and your sympathy. I do feel better. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

7 Comments:

Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

That's the ticket! I solemnly swear to bust you about the head and/or shoulders should you attempt any of the aforementioned non-sanctioned criminal activity.

You will, of course, do the same for me, n'est ce pas?
Rock on.
PS AM I the only one who screws up the word verification? Sometimes I just get the letters wrong....

2:23 PM  
Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

Dude, some of that is so wrong, it hurts me....

2:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nathan and I have a deal that if one of us ever asks the other to play golf, the asked must shoot the asker in the face.

3:52 PM  
Blogger I Wish I Could Be a Princess said...

I like the one with dressing your family in matching outfits.LOL! Thats the greatest! I wont shoot u. Ill slap u so you caome to your senses- how does that sound?
sierra

5:29 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Oh, good lord, the horribleness of the matchin outfits. Are those STRIPED satin vests?

Dear god, someone hold me.

5:35 PM  
Blogger grudge girl said...

Seriously, you guys? I was feeling like a bit of a loon when I wrote this post. But now, I am seriously messed up in the head. What with all the "matching outfits" I had to comb through on Google to find just the right ones. And, do yourself a favor, don't ever, EV! ER! do a Google Image search on "poop."

DON'T DO IT!

I'm warning you. Seriously. It's a freak show out there. I'm scarred for life now.

I'd like to see this post continue as a Meme, actually. I think I want to know under what conditions I can shoot all of you.

:)

7:43 PM  
Anonymous Reuben said...

Here, I do not actually imagine it may work.
arrivals | leg cramps cause | gifts for grandparents

8:41 AM  

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