Thursday, July 20, 2006

I'm still alive... just barely

Just updating with a few pictures of the kids. The freelance gig has completely taken over my life and I'm pretty much miserable and sleep-deprived all of the time. And panicky and avoidant and terrified and self-sabotaging. The light at the end of the tunnel is September, when I can start writing for pleasure again. And enjoying life again. And losing all the weight I've gained taking snack breaks at 3:30 am. I'm afraid I haven't been the best mother through this time, but I'm trying to do the best I can. Some days I am really and truly afraid that I'm losing my mind. I sense disaster everywhere, and have trouble stilling my mind enough to work. Thank goodness for Project Runway. (Except for the travesty of last night, when dear sweet fabulous Malan was ousted when it so OBVIOUSLY should've been Angela! Hello!)

Ethan auditioned and made it into the next highest level of choir, and will be touring Italy with them next summer. He and I are both thrilled! He also won a surprise writing award for a contest we didn't even know his teacher had entered him in. Still Star Wars graphic novel-obsessed, which is fine by me. He's taking tennis lessons twice a week, and is on the local park's swim team with his cousin four mornings a week. We thought it was important that he had some experience being on a team, and getting good exercise. I'm really proud of his progress. He's such a sweet child, as always, and will be fighting off les filles in his first year of middle school this fall, I predict.

Simon is still adjusting to being a middle child, almost 2 years in. He also is blessed with his brother's sweetness, but paired with a more overtly theatrical personality. Sometimes he looks so much like an otherworldly elfling that it makes me catch my breath. He is so smart, and reading chapter books with his daddy, getting ready for the French program kindergarten at his brother's school. His vocabulary astounds me, as do his developing gymnastics skills. He's been very into tie dye lately, and can frequently be seen sporting tie dye underwear, socks, and t-shirts. He's like an adorable little hippy elf.

Charlotte is utterly hilarious, and speaks mostly in vowels. I am "Mimi" and Andy is "Yaya." Which, I think, makes us sound like old Belgian people. Or maybe Dutch, I'm not sure. She jumps on our big old hillbilly trampoline at every opportunity, and hops/somersaults her way through life, even when she encounters concrete. I believe that's a character trait I can get behind, even if it's so foreign to my own melancholy disposition. She's just a creature of light. She loves bugs as well as my make up. Go figure. Some kind of girly tomboy anomaly. Most of the time, all I have to do is look at her, and I laugh. Which is a gift.

All of my children are spectacularly gifted.

I used to be. I hope I will find myself again this fall. November always brings me to my true self. I am living on the shred of a hope that this November will find me haunting patches of moonlight again, as I did in days of yore. I miss that me.

Some pix, for your enjoyment.




5 Comments:

Blogger Candace said...

Yay! You're still alive!

I *knew* Malan was a goner when he started saying that stuff about his mother. I just knew it. Broke my heart, though. Stupid Angela. I already hate her.

The kids look bigger! And older! Glad to see you're still around, even if you're way too busy.

8:15 AM  
Blogger yucaree said...

phew! big sigh of relief to see that you're still out there. but i'm totally bummed that this job is consuming you and making you feel pretty crappy. i'm willing september to get here quickly so you can start enjoying life again.

your kids, as always, are adorable, sweet, super talented, and super smart. i wish we could get our kids together because i really think they'd get along and relate.

i have been on a total project runway kick: rupert borrowed season 1 from a co-worker for me and i watched it almost completely through. can i just say i was completely shocked that austin didn't make it to the final 3?! and i watched the second episode of season 3 twice yesterday. malan's departure wasn't surprising because of that hideous dress, but i would rather have seen angela go. at least malan had some personality! and is his accent for real? can't figure it out.

anyway, love ya and miss ya! keep loving and enjoying the kids -- that'll be your fuel to keep you going until you finish the freelance work. and have andy give you a massage now and again. :)

8:29 AM  
Anonymous Erica said...

Oh, they're beautiful -- they've grown so much, too! I'm sorry that you've felt so stressed out. I wanted to email but worried that it might just add to your to-do list.

Please remember, even in the midst of freelance hell, that people are thinking good and helpful thoughts, and pulling for you like crazy, and hoping September gets here quickly. Take care of yourself, my dear.

5:15 PM  
Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

HEY! It's YOU! I missed you! Your kids, as always, look fantastic.
I stopped emailing because I wasn't sure what was going on with you and I didn't want to make it worse. But YAY! So glad you're still there.
Sorry about all the stress and trauma of the job. I will begin to give August some not so gentle shoves, so that September will come sooner, and you can rejoin the ranks of the living again.

So, you finish up what you need to do. I'll wait here.

4:49 PM  
Anonymous ozma said...

Hooray! You are still alive. Woman, I admire you so much! You are doing al this work, sticking with it and being the mother of multiple children (something I will try to do although it terrifies me, so let me just stand in awe of you) and they look great and cute.

Plus, you stayed away from the internet so you could be responsible. Being responsible--it never gets props but what deserves more props?

And you are alive! Let me just say again that you totally rock.

9:12 AM  

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