Tuesday, November 01, 2005

My children amuse me


Here are the boys, in character. Hilariously, Ethan affects the gothiest face ever. In my old swingin' 90s velvet clubbing shirt. Which he has now claimed for his own.

Simon's been working out.

Charlotte, over there, raided our OWN candy bowl, and ate her way through the wrappers of 2 Kit Kats while everyone else was running around costuming, and make-uping, and all that stuff. Notice the blissed out, feral-child expression on her face. She actually growled at me when I tried to take that away from her. That's my girl!

Charlotte woke up screaming at about 11 pm, and when we went into her bedroom to see what was the matter, she was having a magNIficent, horror-movie nosebleed, which she had smeared all over her face, and her sleeper, and her green Pottery Barn Kids French Rose comforter, and it was just the GORIEST looking thing ever. In honor of Halloween. Already a drama queen.

Poor baby, she was a little freaked out. Is it bad of me that I wanted to get the camera and take pictures? I didn't, though!

So this morning, I cancelled class and stayed home with both her and Simon, who's been a titch feverish lately. And Simon and I watched a
Magic School Bus on TLC about chickens and eggs.

I'm not kidding.

I wish I were.

Usually, The Friz, the kids' cartoon teacher, takes them on field trips into weather, or seeds, or other stuff like that. This time? The school bus transported the kids **UP A CHICKEN'S VAGINA** in a rainbow whoosh, up into her ovary, where they bounced around on the yolk sacs of eggs-to-be, and rode one down the fallopian tube where it got coated with the albumen, and then they stayed there while the shell formed around them, and then the chicken **SQUEEZED THEM OUT OF HER CHICKENY VAGINA** , in a close-up, albeit animated shot, both inside and outside of the chicken. Oh the indignity! The poor thing then laid them, still inside the egg, mind you, into her nest.


I'm so glad I wasn't tripping.

I got really worried when they started talking about how that particular egg wouldn't turn into a chicken, because the rooster has to "add his part" to the egg for it to turn into a chick. And the kids walked over to a pen where there were hens and roosters together. Jesus, chicken porn coming up, I thought. But they just glossed over that part.

So later, Simon announced that he wanted his "Robot Fairy Godmother" (I have no idea, this is a new one on me) to turn him into a "chicken embryo in an egg."

Like, was there something about all that hot, soft-core chicken action that stimulated some little rudimentary male instinct inside him, that made him think that being an egg squeezed around inside a chicken sounds pretty neat? I can't quite figure it out. Of course, this is the kid who, whenever he gets a random erection, walks around crowing proudly, "Look at my bigBIG weiner!" HA!

I just tried to point out that chicken embryos can't dress up as Blue Power Rangers and go trick-or-treating.

I hope that did the trick.


Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

So basically what you're saying is that you and Simon spent the morning watching chicken privates? Dude, I could not stop laughing!
Do you think I could ask the Robot Fairy Godmother for a new body? Mine's kind of beat...

10:38 AM  
Blogger yucaree said...

weird! really really really weird. who comes up with this stuff?! it's one thing to think about which came first, the chicken or the egg, but then to take a bus up a chicken's vagina?????? someone was on drugs when writing that one!

charlotte, bless her heart, looks adorable in her costume chowing down on chocolate. do you think the chocolate gave her the nosebleed? and i hope you were able to get the bloodstain out of her pottery barn comforter!

11:47 AM  
Blogger Daisy Mae said...

They look so cute in their costumes, especially the lady bug. How sweet! Aren't they precious before the sugar rush takes over and turns them into raging monsters?

I had to re-read your post twice to make sure I wasn't tripping. I can only imagine the search engine hits you are gonna get for saying "chicken vagina" on your blog. You rock!

7:06 PM  

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