Sunday, October 23, 2005

Sunday Morning Dilemma

Relevant Factoid #1: Andy and I, when we were first dating, discovered each other to be sleeping soul-mates. When Ethan was at his dad's for the weekend, and Andy and I were able to bunk together (EUPHEMISM!), we could easily pass 12 hours at a time snoozing in each other's company. It was delicious to find someone else who found the idea of rising and starting the day at 2:oo p.m. perfectly acceptable. Usually, our potential life partners would find such behavior alarmingly slug-like and would flee from the Vortex of Morpheus where Andy and I dwell. What a relief to have found each other!

(Tangent: Do you know what we serve in the Vortex of Morpheus? Brownies. With entire big-block chocolate bars melted over the top in lieu of icing. And that's it. We're fat in the Vortex of Morpheus. Seriously? Andy and I each gained like 10 pounds within our first 2 weeks of dating!)

Relevant Factoid #2: Unlike all the good and attentive parents of the world, who rise to greet their small children's first stirrings and plaintive calls on weekend mornings, and who immediately attend to said children's needs, such as diaper changes and breakfast... Andy and I, loyal denizens of the Vortex of Morpheus, roll over and drowse until the plaintive calls transform into demanding shouts. Then, we merely haul small children into our bed with us, tuck them in between us, and hope that they fall back asleep. This never works. The children crawl all over us, and anoint our heads with drops of milk shaken out of their bottles. They tumble perilously close to the edge of the bed, until finally we let them climb down to roam around our bedroom floor in the dark.

Relevant Factoid #3: Andy has lots and lots of pocket change. Andy's pocket change is probably breeding, there is so much of it. Mostly pennies. Andy's pocket change is strewn about our bedroom because when he changes out of his work clothes, he is in such a hurry to don his lounge pants that he rips the work pants off all Chippendales-break-away-pants style. And the pennies fly free!

Please process all relevant factoids before attempting to comprehend the sheer scope of the hilarity that is to follow.

SCENE: This morning, about 8:30 a.m., dark and chilly bedroom.

CAST: - Two sleepy-sleeperson, lazy-ass parents wrapped up in the bedsheets like mummies.
- One small, wakeful, fearlessly acrobatic one year old girl shaking milk out of her bottle onto her parents' heads, tweaking their noses, pulling their hair, and stomping on their tenderer body parts.

ANDY: Just put her on the floor.

ME: What if she eats a penny?

ANDY: Then she'll poop out 60 cents.

ME: How will she poop out 60 cents if she only eats one penny?

ANDY: The same way she turns raisins into grapes*.

...aaaaaaand - scene.

BWAH! My husband is the funny. Also, we're SO LAZY!!!

O Vortex of Morpheus, will you ever release us from your clutches?

* If you've never witnessed a baby's wondrous ability to rehydrate dried fruit through the miracle of digestion, I highly recommend it. It's magical! It doesn't work with banana chips, though.


Anonymous Erica said...

I've always found edamame to be particularly entertaining in the diaper. I can watch the child chew, and yet...eight hours later, the things look as though they've been freshly hulled.

We are so lazy that we allow the children to rummage through the fridge for sustenance, which leads to some interesting breakfast choices, to say the least. It's nice to hear that someone I like has the same morning routine.

6:48 PM  
Blogger yucaree said...

it must be nice that you and andy still share the same weekend sleep pattern. JR and i used to be just the same way on the weekends when we were dating: sleep until noon, eat, go back to sleep, eat, go back to sleep. we were definitely sleeping pals. things just haven't been the same since the boy entered our lives. it's unfortunate.

and i must try this raisins to grapes phenomenon! i've never seen it done because the boy doesn't like raisins. does it work with grown-ups? (erica, i've seen the miracles of edamame returned to their natural state, too -- it's an amazing "magic" trick!)

3:22 AM  
Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

I, the fortunate one,am not conversant in the denizens of the diaper, as I have the aunt only ability to pass the baby off at diaper changing time.
I am ,however, a card carrying citizen of the Vortex of Morpheus. All hail the bed!

7:05 AM  
Blogger Candace said...

And this is why we won't have any more babies.

Our kids get up QUIETLY, go downstairs, and entertain themselves until we drag our sleepy butts out of bed, oh, around 9 or so.

9:42 AM  

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