Thursday, January 26, 2006

For the Record

Are you ever just driving along, and all of a sudden you are overwhelmed with the awareness that you are piloting a giant missile of death?

This happens to me all the time. It's scary. But I get so used to this incredibly dangerous thing I'm doing ALL THE TIME, that I forget. And then I have these random, unpredictable adrenaline-washing-over-me realizations and have to try really hard to go over 10 miles an hour.

This never happened to me before I had children, so that's part of it. Of course, they don't have to be in the car with me for it to happen. The mere thought that they could be left motherless is enough. For they would surely waste away in the ensuing wilderness of clutter and unbrushed hair that would constitute Andy's single parenthood and they would turn feral, and then starve.

But there's also my premonition. Many moons ago, before I was ever a mom, before I was 21 even, I was winding through a stretch of I70 at downtown Indianapolis called the spaghetti bowl, and I had this vivid premonition that I would die in a fiery inferno of a crash there someday. I've never been able to shake it.

I drive through this exact stretch of highway EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Then, when I was about 23 I had my astrological chart professionally done (I KNOW. Shut up. I was very glad to find out I'm a triple Scorpio. It explains SO much, yo!!!), and the woman who interpreted it for me stopped at one point, and drew in her breath as she contemplated just how to say something difficult to me, and simply lowered her voice almost to a whisper but wouldn't make eye contact with me as she ominously intoned, "Be careful in cars."

*SHIVERS!!!!*

So every day I'm careful. Back in the day, I was quite the speed demon. I'll freely admit it. But I'm also an excellent driver. Seriously! I'm, like, Formula One good. You should see my reaction time. HEY! I AM NOT LYING!!! I am a kick-ass driver. But now I'm a very careful, kick-ass driver. Plus, I've been through Defensive Driving School so many times I could quote you the manual. I am UP on the rules of the road, people.

And Andy knows about my premonition. But he also likes to be maddening. Witness the following conversation:

ME: You'll be sad when I die in a fiery inferno in the spaghetti bowl. Please make sure the children bathe regularly. And wear matching socks.

HIM: I will be sad. How long before I can marry "Mommy 2?"

ME: At my funeral, I'd like for you to tell everyone about my premonition, so that they can be all eerie-feeling at my ESP.

HIM: But I can't, because it won't be true. You just believe this so strongly that you'll have created a self-fulfilling prophecy. You'll be in a crash because you believe you'll be in a crash, and therefore you'll have, unconsciously of course, put yourself in that position.

ME: (gaping open-mouthed in horror) ...

HIM: It's only logical.

ME: IF YOU TELL PEOPLE THAT HOOEY YOU WILL BE DISHONORING MY MEMORY AND YOUR DISLOYALTY AND LACK OF FAITH IN MY ESP WILL CAUSE ME TO HAUNT YOU, AND MY WRONGED SPIRIT, UNABLE TO REST, WILL BE FORCED TO REMOVE YOUR EYEBALLS FROM YOUR EYE SOCKETS AND REPLACE THEM WITH YOUR TESTICLES!!!

MY PREMONITION IS REAL!!!

SAY IT!!!

HIM: Your premonition is real.


So for the record, I am stating here and now in the vast ether of the internets, that I have this premonition, and if it comes true, it is NOT because of a self-fulfilling prophecy, because I AM TOTALLY CAREFUL ALL THE TIME AND PURPOSELY AVOID SITUATIONS WHEREIN I MIGHT BE SMASHED IN MY VAN LIKE A BUG. If it comes true, it will be a TRAGIC, TRAGIC ACCIDENT that I eerily knew about because I HAVE ESP!

So there!

10 Comments:

Anonymous Angela said...

I can't believe you are even able to get into cars after all of that.

If it makes you feel better though I had premonitions starting when I was 5 about how I would become a single mother at the age of 16. When I was 14 I saw a palm reader and when I was 15 I saw a tarot card reader (Do they have technical names?) and they said things to the same effect. However, as it turned out I began a relationship with a girl and obviously did not get pregnant. So it might all be rubbish anyway. (I'm 21 now with no kids.)

Hmmmm....Do you ever have one of those moments where you have been rambling and you are no longer sure of if you should say what you have said, but it is already over? I am having that moment right now. Oh well. Enjoy!

1:04 PM  
Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

If you die, God forbid, I will attend your funeral, and stand next to Andy AT ALL TIMES to make sure he tells the ESP story.


However, I am unable to reassure you on the subject of your children turning feral. Andy may well, too.


I mean, my sister in law goes away for the weekend, fer crissakes, and my brother totally reverts to some guy who sleeps all day and watches sports while eating cheese by the block. I'd hate to imagine a longer absence and it's effect. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, ESP is totally tricky, yo. I'm sure you'll be fine, what with your mad driving skills. *wink*

1:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I'd like you to know for the record, I did everything I could do.

Uebrigens, what I said was that people in attendance at your funeral would think that, not that I would think that... I would never trivialize your 'gift'.

And, I've never said, "It's quite logical."

Live long and prosper.
andy

4:36 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

It's sad to me that the spaghetti bowl in fact has no spaghetti.

7:13 PM  
Anonymous Erica said...

In fact, Tracy Lynn and I will work the room, uttering your prophecy in appropriately hushed and awed tones.

Also, remind Andy that he should trim the children's fingernails, especially the baby's. I've always worried I'll die and my children will, shortly thereafter, replace that scary guy with the curling medusa-like fingernails in the Guiness Book of World Records as Longest and Nastiest Fingernails.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Daisy Mae said...

Wow, even I won't drive the spaghetti bowl. That is one scary curve in the road. I firmly believe in ESP and all of that stuff. If I see your obit in the paper I will make sure to go to your funeral and tell everyine about your fortelling your death. I will be the one shoving Tracy off of the podium so I can be first to tell it. And I am a scorpio too so they won't be able to shut me up. Erica, you cover the back so no one can slip out.

Ya know, maybe you should take a different route.

9:39 AM  
Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

Dude, with friends like us, what more do you need? I mean, other than a shoebox full of twenties, natch.

4:31 PM  
Anonymous ozma said...

This made me laugh so hard. Damnit, I wanted so bad to be psychic--and a few times I impressed people with my predications. Until I got pregnant and predicted a boy, and now all my credibility is shot to hell.

I totally get the outrage! Oh my God, if I predicted my own death and my husband refused to coutenance my predication and even announce it at the funeral!

I'm constantly aware of my car as a giant machine of death. I used to revel in that fact. And now that I'm a mom I drive 20 miles an hour. I drive like an old lady and there is no even slightly risky drive who escapes my wrath.

2:29 PM  
Blogger philbug said...

omg, I'm peeing. I get the willies every now and then about the whole "missle of death" thing too. I think it is a nice to have a dose of reality now and then. My car was totalled a coule of years ago. Talk about a wake up call. Now I'm pretty cautious and get called grandma, but it beats getting in another wreck!

8:45 PM  
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