Friday, August 19, 2005

Banana Fana Fo Feth

There are no good nicknames for Beth.

I'm either:

1) retarded Rosie O'Donnell with a bad perm, digging on mass transportation
2) forlorn, neglected addressee of famous Kiss ballad, whose calls go unanswered
3) Manly's (Almonzo/Zaldamo) pet name for his beloved, ferret-faced Laura Ingalls Wilder
4) rhymed with Death, which was fine and dandy when I was working the full-on Goth incarnation, but now not quite right

I'm sure there are other, equally uninspiring occurrences. Beth. Nothing rhymes with it. It's kind of mousy and plain. Not fabulous at all.

Of course, my full name is Frances Elizabeth. I had thought to explore the full potential in 1986 when I told new people that my name was Frankie. The suggestion to everyone who had already known me my whole life that they suddenly refer to me as 1/4 of a popular pop band of the day, coupled with my impressively massive and sculptured hairdo, was met with eye rolls aplenty.

Fran? Again, plain. Frannie? Character on "As the World Turns" at the time. (Played by Julianne Moore, pre-fame.) Elizabeth? Too formal. Liz? Too adult. Lizzie? Too ugly-girl sounding.

To this day I am still waiting for someone, anyone, to nickname me something funny and catchy and adorable. Any suggestions?


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